I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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