i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
