Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
