So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
