Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
