I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
