he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
