So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
