How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
