my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
