yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
