so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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