i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize