We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
