I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
