i think i scared a bird with my dick
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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