i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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