phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
