I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize