is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize