I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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