Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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