You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
