bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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