Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
