Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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