problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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