It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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