still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
