First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
