just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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