Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
