i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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