There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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