worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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