Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
