Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
