In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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