i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
