ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
