The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
