In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
