my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
