Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
