i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
