when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
there was a trapeze. enough said
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
