Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
