is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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