My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize