shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
worst night to have a conscience
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
