Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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