I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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