Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
