It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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