Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize