Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize