Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
