i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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