I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
