i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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