So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
