i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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