I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
